The weather in Southern California today ranged from 90-95 degrees. This scorching temperature was also matched in Stockton and, evidently, in Dubai as well. I am sure in many places around the world, desert domain or no, the sun made its presence known.
However, where I reside, "in the sun-kissed Santa Clara Valley" as it was dubbed by Jack London, it was a breezy 77 degrees. The sun shone brightly, smiling warmly on the Bay Area, while elsewhere it vented, fuming in anger, embroiling its victims in the fires of its wrath. The Silicon Valley enjoyed a spring afternoon, unmarred by heat or humidity.
But I denied the call of the wild today. A perfect day to prance and frolic as a child might, and I opted to stay indoors. I failed to leave the confines of the home once, waking up before noon and simply, aimlessly walking around my house until the bed called me a few minutes ago. My father woke me up startlingly around 11pm, much earlier than I had wanted. Those who know me can attest to my penchant for afternoon continuations of my beauty rest. I can easily sleep until 3-4pm on a daily basis. So, you can imagine my disgruntlement when my father insisted I get up to "help him with the cabinets," and being my father, he knew I was not allowed any objection. I got up and brushed my teeth, and I then proceed downstairs to breakfast, which only consisted of a rather large bowl of Frosted Flakes ('twas more than good).
I spent the next hour or so trying to fill the bumps in the back of the cabinets with wood filling. It was not a difficult job, but it was a bit annoying having to reach up the walls of the cabinets and making sure all the indentations were filled.
Anyways, the important thing is that I didn't leave the house today. I made no effort to step outside and enjoy the day with which the Lord blessed me. Normally, during the school year, I would come home on weekends and spend a good 45-52 at home, studying, but today, there was no studying involved. There was just intense Facebook browsing, followed by Facebook application cleansing, occasionally dabbed with Facebook video-making/dedicating.
But I do not, can not and will not blame Facebook for my failures. If I must blame, and if indeed I have failed, then I blame myself.
I was thinking that I made strides with my mentality today, getting some menial tasks done that I have been too long in putting off, but I realize now that maybe I don't try hard enough to stay focused.
I have been wanting for a long time now to write a poem that was bone-chillingly gnawing. I want to write something that will call to the hearts of people and force them to embrace the sadness that is in their lives, even and especially if their lives are happy.
As the Spanish philosopher Miguel de Unamuno claims as his personal creed, "My religion is to seek for truth in life and for life in truth, even knowing that I shall not find them while I live."
So here I am to seek on.
A thousand plans have gone awry
Ever since the shepherd spoke.
And all the world and people's strength
Have weakened or have broke.
In weekly tributes humans kneel,
Community is served,
But we are still ensnared to life
And live by holy word.
Even though we live by day
Our nights do come indeed
We gossip and we have to play
Tempted always by our greed
Our flaws that gnaw us to the bone
Our cardinals, our sins
Are mortal, fatal, undeterred
As Satan counts his wins.
The devil is an angel too
As we must not forget
There's so much wrong that we can do
Our sins we do abet.
But the purpose here is not to scare
Or sound so grossly black
I'm trying just to convey
A feeling that I lack.
There is no word to say it
for lacking brings it forth
the feeling i have lacked
replaced in lacking's worth.
Since I lack this feeling,
I feel another pang,
Tenfold in painful measure
A tune that Lucifer once sang.
Like the scarabs in my bones,
have crawled into my skin
And finding veins so plump
They drank me from within
Like frostbite in my soul
Freezing, but not numb
Ensuring I am feeling
throbbing like a drum
Like fire in my skull
a chamber burning, heated head
I am in eternal pain
but never am i dead.
But all this pain has led me here
to this one small line:
if you ever ask me what is wrong,
I'll just say i'm fine.
no i don't need professional help.
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