Unfortunately for the President, he was once again ill-informed about the Iraqi people. The translator was just about to warn the President about the game but was not nearly quick enough. Before anyone could realize what was about to transpire, two shoes from an Iraqi journalist were flung at the Presidential podium.
According to the official rules of Iraqi Shoe Loveball, any person hit twice with a single person's shoe is legally betrothed to the owner of the shoe and bound by Allah into a subservient marriage. If the first shoe hits, but the second shoe misses, then the thrower of the shoe is allowed one suicide bombing in any territory within the victim's ownership. If the second shoe hits after missing the first shoe, it is considered ultimate shame, and the thrower gets to make fun of the victim's mother for all eternity.
However, as stated, only if both shoes hit will the owner of the shoe be rewarded. The thrower in this case, is not rewarded with forced betrothal, but rather, rewarded with 72 virgins in heaven, on top of any accumulated virgins already earned. Only the owner of the shoe gains a new spouse if both shoes hit. The accurate thrower is rewarded in the afterlife and is usually recruited to the Afghan Hills, a friendly hunting team based somewhere in the caves around Mt. Noshaq, the highest point in Afghanistan. Their training is renowned for the thoroughness of its trainees and their fierce diplomatic prowess.
Luckily for President Bush, both shoes missed. According to the Official Handbook of Shoe Loveball, a supplementary pamphlet to the Qur'an with colored illustrations, anytime two shoes are thrown and both are missed, the recipient of the shoe-flinging is allowed to remained occupied in both the owner's and the thrower's countries. If the owner and the thrower of the shoes are from different countries, then the winner of the round is allowed to occupy both countries and gets to roll again.
Occupation of countries with the same color, like Boardwalk and Park Place, are of special value, since rent can be increased astronomically with the addition of hotels.
For example, dodging two shoes from a thrower born in Syria, with the owner of the shoes born in Afghanistan (both Peach Territories) would be ideal in securing oil lines and surrounding larger markets like ever-friendly state of Iran. Such manipulation of international real estate is a valuable and viable alternative to the spiraling housing market of America. Bush thus has made progress.This game is similar in principle to the American board game of Monopoly, which had a name change from the slightly less-popular "Worlddominationpoly." Actually, Shoe Loveball and Monopoly have nothing in common except for the fact that one party must own everything to win.
George Bush's dodging ability had never been questioned prior to his impromptu round of Shoe Loveball. He has been dodging legitimate reasons to go to Iraq for eight years, and this trip was no different.
Understandably, the game of Iraqi Shoe Loveball is a complicated and convoluted one, filled with ancient traditions and rules. However, one thing is certain: Bush's dodging of the shoes is an adequate metaphor for his regime's foot out the door of American politics. The Bush administration, however, has not completely failed. If anything, this week's shoe flinging finally brought to light the heinous weapons of mass destruction the Iraqi government was hiding all this time.
"I knew it," Bush replied, smiling as if he actually did.
A smile the majority of the country now equates accurately to trisomy 21.
Reporting nude and alone in Baghdad, Andrew Nguyen, AP.
Albert Lamorisse, Charles Darrow and Allah contributed to this story.
