If I told you that I thought the funniest shows ever were 30Rock, Community, Arrested Development, Cheers, Three’s Company and The Simpsons, in no particular order, you would probably say that I lived in the first or second decade of the 21st century. This is because you would know that some of those shows began and ended in that decade, or this decade, depending on when you read this. However, the presence of shows like Cheers and Three’s Company would imply that I was either very old during that or this decade, or that I enjoyed my teenage years during the first decade of the 21st century and somehow had access to those earlier shows. And if you knew enough about television to place a timeline and use that kind of logic, you either looked up those shows or would assume that if I was younger, I would have watched those shows on the Nickelodeon channel programming Nick at Nite.
In fact, you can rest assured that all those assumptions are very brilliant, so if you were able to deduce my age at all, you deserve the highest of praise. I’m not going to tell you how old I am, because that’s not relevant. In fact, the shows I’ve mentioned I have just selected randomly as popular comedy syndications. None of that is relevant, but you can’t know that. You don’t know what I’m talking about, so you can’t decide if it’s relevant or not. You have absolutely nothing to start with. How is it fair for you? Tell me. How?
Of course you don’t have to tell me. To expect an answer from you would be ridiculous, and even if I did get an answer from you it wouldn’t make sense to me. By the time you answer me, I will probably have no idea what you’re talking about. I’d have forgotten the whole matter altogether.
I mean, it would be ludicrous to receive a call from a stranger, or friend who happens to be reading this, at a random hour saying, “It’s not fair, Andrew. It’s not.” I do not expect it. Well, now that I’ve mentioned it, maybe I will. I don’t know.
It isn’t fair, though. You’re right. You can’t be held accountable for what is relevant and what is not relevant when the subject of this tale hasn’t even been established yet, has it? Don’t answer that.
“A wise man once told me that putting quotations or italicizing words gives a phrase added credibility. This wise man was me, and I told myself.” – from Putting Things in Quotation Marks or Italics Adds Credibility.
Usually this credibility is unquestioned because as long as the quotation or the phrase in question is relevant, people just go with it. The show must go on, after all.”
That’s what he had so far. Sorry, I forgot to add the opening quotation marks to signify that everything you’ve read until the sentence before this one was part of a fictional short story the main character of this short story was writing.
It was what he had so far, and he was ready to send it off into the abyss of the Internet. People don’t really know how the Internet works, really, and if we’re still supposed to capitalize such a common word now. Internet. internet. Either way looked fine to him. It wasn’t a word he was putting into his short story. Even if the word were to come up later, he would decide then. Take life as it goes, he thought.
Oh, I’m such a terrible host. The guy I’m talking about is Marvin. No, never mind. His name is Andrew. I’m going to go back and bold his name now to avoid confusion. There. I’ve done it. I’m sorry I haven’t introduced you two earlier. I’m really usually good with introducing people to each other. I apologize.
Andrew was writing a short story. He’s a very weird thinker, as you’ve probably gathered, and sometimes people don’t follow him. It’s okay, though, because in Andrew’s mind, those who do follow him are lead to treasure troves of knowledge and thought. They are treasures because they are rare. Thoughts in general aren’t rare, but specific thoughts are unique. Any thought could be a thought no one else has thought, and that thought is therefore the rarest thought to exist. If there was a list for “Rarest Things Ever,” it would be tied for first with all the other unique thoughts and other super-unique things. For simplicity’s sake, Andrew called them sunique things. He’s weird. I don’t get it either.
Andrew also didn’t mind his weirdness because he was also very self-aware. In fact, he knew his short story started off terribly because it was too self-referential and went nowhere. As the author of the short story, Andrew knew he was much too involved. It’s best to let a story tell itself, he thought.
I’d like to take this moment to interrupt Andrew’s thoughts. It will only be a moment, I promise. I think he’s wrong. I think an author has every right to get involved with his own story. It is his story after all, and he can do whatever he wants with it. Or should I have italicized the other word. Let me try again. It is his story, after all. Maybe it’s smoother if I contracted the beginning. It’s his story, after all, and he can do whatever he wants with it. Yeah, that sounds better. Did that take long? It was really unfair of me to promise it’d take a moment when reading is such a different experience for all of us. I shouldn’t have presumed. I apologize. Anyways, back to Andrew.
He didn’t know where he was going with his short story, but he knew that he wanted romance to be involved. Just then, the girl of he had a crush on texted him, breaking his train of thought. It was worth it, he thought after he read and replied to the text and got back to his short story.
“Wait,” he said aloud. Did I come off too strongly with that last text? It was a worry he would never admit to harboring, but felt often. Texts are serious little messages sometimes. Per character, Andrew and I both think that they have the highest efficiency at conveying emotions. You can understand, then, why Andrew was worried about his text. I share his worry, but I’m not important.
Did I? Andrew thought. Maybe I used too many happy emoticons. She hasn’t texted me back yet. Oh, never mind. I can’t wait to read this one.
He had not come off too strongly. She replied as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Andrew breathed a sigh of relief. If there’s anything that would make Andrew uncomfortable, it would be making the girl he likes think he likes her. This makes no sense to me, of course. If you like someone romantically, you should let them know. There is no sane reason to hold back. The only thing you have to fear is rejection, but if you are a good person, then that rejection could mean more romantic possibilities or better yet, establishing a strong friendship with your crush.
I’m joking of course. “More romantic possibilities” is way better than “establishing a strong friendship with your crush.”
Andrew’s crush had not crushed him yet. He got back to his short story and began to develop the romantic storyline he knew he wanted in it.
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