Ecstasy

For the first time, I was able to be active while a pledge class worked through the process of becoming brothers. It was one of the rawer experiences I've had. During it, I've questioned my own motivations to behave how I do and as a result, my own emotions and the roots of them.

But more importantly, I was able to meet and get to know 17 amazing people. I intuitively want to call them kids because they're two years younger than I am, or at least two grades younger. They look younger, act younger, laugh younger. And ironically it was in youth that I found maturity. Their youth taught me how to be mature.

For a lot of my life, I have never really been an ideal role model. I've always cared little as to how my actions seemed to others. I just wanted to do my thing and explain it to others after the fact. It was much easier if I could act now and answer questions after I've done something. That way, if I did anything wrong, I could explain it away, make excuses, reason out to show how I am always right.

But I'm not always right.

My new friends haven't really done anything unexpected. They all did as they were supposed to do. What was unexpected, however, was how they affected me. I probably don't show it, probably won't show it, but man, I love these kids. I don't know if it's the same kind of love a parent has for their child, an older brother for his younger siblings, or simply the pride of a friend's accomplishments, but I definitely love them all.

Maybe I'll set good examples, do things that would make others proud of me. Maybe I'll think about things before doing them, with the understanding that the wrong actions help yield the right ones. Maybe I'll be a better person. I know I already feel like one.

Of course, as with most pledging processes, the fire of these feelings will probably fade, drift toward oblivion quietly without fanning, but that certainly doesn't make it less real. It is in this moment that I guess I appreciate how much I enjoy life, how much hope I can witness. I mean, it doesn't get more hopeful than having new friends. The potential for happiness seems unlimited.

Also, I think someone's been slipping estrogen powder in my food because I've been getting pretty sensitive.


Talking about my feelings?

Ugh.